somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
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why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”