Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
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Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
what
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
How dude HOW?!
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three