Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
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thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My dad.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18