back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
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Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork