“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
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I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord