A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
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me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake