It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
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I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
lol
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too