Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
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[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”