My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
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I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
He-man has a Masters degree
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.