Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
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Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
If you need a laugh.. 😅
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!