*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
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me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Kentucky names the shit out of places