Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
You Might Also Like
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.