I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
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The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me: