Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
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Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Breaking news:
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.