my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
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this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
bro what is going on at twitter