[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
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Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.