If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
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Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here