what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
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i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out