when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
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WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Erm…
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.