ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
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Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
is this how new cars are made??
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.