50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
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Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
This probably isn’t good
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?