MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
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Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
channeling her this year
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
I’m Sold!