[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
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A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.