I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
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Best spoiler warning ever
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-