Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
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Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops