*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
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Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT