Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
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Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Mummies are just super modest zombies
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.