ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
You Might Also Like
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
That’s not how days work.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name