Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
You Might Also Like
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…