Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
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i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
At least try to make it slightly believable