Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
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Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
It was worth a shot 😂
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”