Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
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Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
pep talk
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”