My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
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JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”