British people be like I’m Bri ish
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If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?