BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
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Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.