Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
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still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.