WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
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Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.