Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
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I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Just parrot things
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
this is the best interaction on twitter
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB