I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
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FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
our love story in four pictures
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt