My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
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FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.