Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
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Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
anyone else like Italian cereal
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?