*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
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my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
You got this…
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.