me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
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McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags