#Caturday
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[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I think this cat is broken
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
remember
only for emergencies
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!