I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
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Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Friends that check up on you >
this is me
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?