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News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying