Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
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Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.