Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
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If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Finally
I’m giving up ice.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.