Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
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wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
relationship goals
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Fights fire with marshmallows
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed