Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
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professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Canadian owl: Eh?
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife